I’ve realised this week that when I took a time out to write 5 years ago ( now 7), I actually didn’t know it back then, but I was about to perform a vanishing act.
7 Years ago I was still in my 30’s and full of all the optimism and infallibility that this brings. I had two under teenage children, who I could literally just say – we are doing this or we are going there and they couldn’t and wouldn’t complain. Fast forward… Im now closer to 50 this year ( better start planning THAT one – 4 years to do it), I have teenagers, who sleep, eat and complain, and I am lost. Invisible. And lonely.
Television shows like Grace and Frankie, hit my reality button right in the feels. You know the episode where the girls go to a convenience store to make a purchase and the guy on the checkout overlooks them for the cute busty twenty something? And they realise they have this superpower of invisibility? Yeah well there is that…sometimes its hilarious , and sometimes its just plain sad…. Last night the first wives club was on, and the scene where the remaining wives get the letter from Cynthia… who seemed to have everything but pinpointed loneliness as to why she jumped? Yeah that. Ive been there. I can still get there, and its taken hard work, tears and self realisation to be able to joke about it and get on with life. And Im surrounded by people who currently have villages, but feel so lonely and empty … and sometimes I do not know what to do or how to help them, because Ive been there and its hard, so damned hard to ask for help and admit that theres this great black arsed hole wanting to swallow you down.
So, heres my admission.
I am the wife of a weekend worker. 16 hours, 3 days a week, Friday to Sunday. Usually encompassing several hours of planning at home on Wednesday and Thursday evenings that includes swearing, ranting at computer screens and occasional phone calls during “our weekend” time from work and trips back to work.
Mondays are fairly much written off. Too exhausted to do anything, go anywhere. If we plan to go on holidays, it don’t happen till a Tuesday, cause he don’t even wanna drive a car. And I feel guilty if I plan or do anything.
For the last three years we have done nothing on our weekends, but work around and on our home. Or ferry me to appointments, including, physio, rehab, specialists and hospitals. Thats what my life has become. Im only JUST NOW, starting to emerge again. And HOLY SHIT its scary.
Ive realised, that I don’t know how to shop, unless its for something in particular and then its in and out.
I don’t know how to socialise with other people, it always feels like the wrong thing spills out of my mouth inappropriately.
Ive realised, I alienate people as I don’t know how to really people anymore.
Ive realised, that as the lovely young man who tried to convert me to his faith at the door just said, Saturday is for relaxing so he wont take my time… I don’t know how to relax anymore. I can’t even sit still long enough for a massage or a facial. And even though I get my nails done monthly, the thought of sitting there for the hour with someone touching my hands and all the chatter going on scares the bejeezus out of me. Every fricking time, Im sooooo out of my comfort bubble.
Today, Id love to go to the markets. Id love to wander. Id love to have a girlfriend I could call to say do you want to come with. But I don’t have anyone at present to come with, as we are all in different stages and zones.
Ive never been good at making friends, I see this reflected in my children. It also scares me.
I totally stepped out of my comfort zone on Thursday. I went to a ladies networking function. I don’t think I networked very well, as Ive forgotten how ( Im more an observer these days). But I did walk away with a little more confidence, to blat on my blog again. I also walked away with a gorgeous scarf, thanks to popping some pink feathers on my head you can find Vicki-Jayne here ( hart for your home). And to top it off I won first prize in the raffle, raising funds for Destiny Haven, an amazing charity empowering women.
The featured image for this blog is from our last family getaway. Three years ago. Pre surgery, pre weight gain, pre everything. So yep its been that long since my family actually did something together.
The prize I won is a retreat for two nights midweek to Valley View Lodge at Eaglereach Resort. And we are going, as a family. No you tube allowed. Its not going to happen till later in the year, but it is going to happen. Grumping teenagers or not.
Now… off to go to the markets after I hang the washing. Probably with myself as company. If you see me, say hello.
Ms Hemsworth
The Domesticated Ms Hemsworth 