You may have assumed that I might have been able to “get back into” my food blog seeing as I actually managed to make a couple of delicious meals and get them online. Well I tried, but as with most things – life can sometimes come up and grab you and shock you with everything it hurls at you and lately we have been left ducking and weaving and doing all the bullets. AND this is a ranty angry – post. So if you don’t want to read it don’t go any further. And to those that have enquired and offered – I thank you dearly, I do. But those that have offered ? The ones that do? They are all fighting their own battles presently.
I know we are not the only ones going through a hard time right now – it seems everyone around us has something going on, but at the moment Im pretty much done with the universe and her challenges and I am ready to SCREAM YOU CAN STOP NOW… we’ve had enough ok? Just send us something nice for a change please. Like an all expenses paid holiday on a tropical island – thanks…thats nice…
I did warn you all that my blog wasn’t just going to be about my food – but also mental health challenges, personal fitness and home renovations as well. From about the fortnight before surgery all renovation projects came to an abrupt halt. Cooking – well that hasn’t been very exciting since surgery ( but I do have a project for a challenge this weekend) and personal fitness – currently is my twice a week torture session with my physio to get me moving again – and moving again is SLOW SLOW SLOW.
My mental health has copped a beating – just when I think Im doing ok – something else pops in and hurls another challenge at me. This latest ones a doozy – and Im not NOT NOT going to write about it yet because even the thought brings gales of tears and Im so tired from crying today I just can’t – Im sorry I JUST CANT.
The littlest thing can set it off. You see in this last 7 and a bit weeks Ive spent a hell of a lot of time being strong – putting on a happy face – smiling through pain and clenching my teeth and saying yes Im fine – sure Im ok… well guess what – RAW AND OUT THERE – IM BLOODY WELL NOT OK. If thats ok with you IM BLOODY WELL NOT!
Im angry – Im frustrated, Im grieving a loss, Im trying to soak in a life that at times lately feels so FUCKING LONELY AND ISOLATED IT FUCKING SUCKS. I might be surrounded by people but can I JUST SAY I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALONE THAN I HAVE IN THIS LAST FEW WEEKS?
Pain – SUCKS. Constant chronic pain SUCKS MORE. Yes I was in pain pre surgery – but it was a pain that I have lived with for so long that it was like background noise. Now its where I was seven years ago when I had my first arthroscope on both knees. That scope included a clean up and grind back of the patella – and I kinda think that maybe that scope got me to where we are today. I know Ive got a way to go and I know it can take months to heal properly. But I am ready to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS – please please just let me heal.
Im tired. Im so so tired of putting on my strong and happy face. AND DAMN IT IM GOING TO SAY IT – Im FUCKING tired of hearing about others who have it harder than me. This is my hard time and I WANT TO HAVE THE TIME TO HEAL. I WANT TO GET BETTER – IM TIRED of being told to suck it up – Im tired of being told I shouldn’t have had my knee surgery because Im too young. IM FUCKING OVER EVERYONE ELSES OPINIONS OF MY PAIN.
And Im also tired of being the one who is always there – and now we are the ones who everyone ( sorry almost everyone) has turned away from. People who are supposed to care for you – who are supposed to be FAMILY haven’t even asked me how I AM. So Im going to yell it from my blog. IM NOT OK. IM FUCKING NOT. I dare you to call me selfish for saying this because at least then you’d pick up the phone and ask I was. How we all are in this little family.
I declare this weekend a PJ weekend. And from this – its painfully obvious – just who really cares.
The Domesticated Ms Hemsworth 